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Assorted Humor
Lewes Black:
George Carlin
Jesus had gate-duty at Heaven's Pearly
Gate.
An old man with a long white beard tried to go in. Jesus stopped
him and said: You must have done something good and special to enter here. What have you done good and special?
The old man pondered for a moment and then said: "I had a son".
Jesus said: "What's so good and special about that?"
The old man said: "Well, they wrote a lot of books about him."
This made Jesus reflect and get excited.
The old man continued: "He had nails put through his hands."
Jesus couldn't contain Himself and opened His arms to hug the old
man and cried: "Father!"
The old man said: "Whoa! Back off! Do I know you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who was JESUS
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until He was 33.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about The Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to
do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou
Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out of the
Mouths of Babes?
Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher
asked her class: "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered: "Mary."
The teacher then asked: "Who knows
what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said: "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked: "Where did you get
that?"
The kid said: "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in
Heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard
praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After
the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father
asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied: "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments
Sulphur Rock, AR.
(As translated from
the 'King James')
1 Just one God
2
Honor yer Ma & Pa
3
No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4 Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
5 Put nothin' afore God
6 No foolin' around with anutha feller's gal
7 No killin'
8
Watch yer mouth
9 Don't take what ain't yers
10
Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I
listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular
four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church
service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied: "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old
Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally,
his big sister had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?"
Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first
pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, Jesus would say:
Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said: "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened
to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said:
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people
to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said: "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I
wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter
bowed her head and said: "Lord, why on Earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the mouths of children:
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and
Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked
for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people
to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell
me. Love Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody
in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little
boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If
you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or
was it an
accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old
days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer
camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so
much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come
yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it
just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha
18 Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you
my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just
know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than
you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in
the right
place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!! Frank
And, saving the best for last . .
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I
saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?"
- Groucho Marx
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How the Jews
got the 10 Commandments.
God went to the Arabs and said: "I have Commandments for
you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked: "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said: "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So, God went to the Blacks and said: "I have some Commandments."
And, the Blacks wanted and example, and the Lord said: "Honor
thy father and mother."
"Father? We don't who our fathers are."
So, He went to the Mexicans and said: "I've got some Commandments." And
the Mexicans wanted an example, and The Lord said: "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal"? We're not interested?"
He went to the French and said: "I have Commandments."
The French wanted examples and the Lord said: "Thou shalt
not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
So, God finally went to the Jews and said: "I have Commandments."
"Commandments" they said: "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
IT COMES FROM CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS
ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT
TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO
HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S
WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT
AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF
FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC
GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS,
MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE
TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA
LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE
OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND
HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS,
A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA
CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO
DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY
ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME
FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting Into Heaven:
I was testing the children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If
I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the
church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children
answered.
"If I cleaned the
church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer
was, "NO!"
By now I was starting
to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if
I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would
that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all
answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting
with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old
boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prescribed by God the Great Physician
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GOD can use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old, a pimp and almost a child killer
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar and practiced incest
Leah was ugly and used Mandrakes / Viagra
Tamar sold sex to Judah, her father-in-law
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem and killed thousands
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair killed 30 men to satisify a dept and did a prostitute
Money answers all things
Rahab was a harlot / prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David did adultery and was a murderer
Elijah and Jesus were suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
God is a divorcee
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer..
AND Lazarus was dead
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was
working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in Heaven,
Harold
is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in
church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back
seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher
said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and
I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children
as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would
say,
"Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan , you be Jesus !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led
him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He
died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did
God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife
answered.
The
daughter bowed her head and said, |
